Marion Barry Club Mix (Featuring Donna Watts-Brighthaupt)

If this weren’t so sad, it would be funny. (Oh, who am I kidding? It’s a damn riot. Just click the arrow to play the audio.)

What’s sadder is that people might actually believe this.

So because Barry’s ex-girlfriend uses four-letter words and he was stupid enough to let these voice messages get out, the City Paper’s headline choice was racially motivated? Please.

I guess the headline choice couldn’t have anything to do with certain, um, acts Barry had a woman reportedly perform on him while she visited him in prison, so many years ago. (Barry later denied the report.)

Apparently, some of us have forgotten that Bill Clinton’s own words were parroted back to him by the press when the Monica Lewinski scandal was raging. And a lot of them involved the same act Barry’s ex was talking about.

Oh, but the headlines didn’t include four-letter words. And that makes all the difference, right?

Whatever.

Obama’s Energy Plan: Ride a Bike, Dammit!

All I can say is . . . huh?

(Found this on The Anti-DC. I’m a “green” blogger. I’m all about reusing and recycling content.)

Is this guy actually telling us that Obama’s energy plan is too dependent on bicycle usage? So no resources should go toward making our streets bike-friendly (even though the cost would be relatively low), because bicycles are too low-tech??

If I were being kind (and I mean super-generous), I could imagine (and, I’d have to imagine it real hard) that he might have been trying to say that it’s not feasible for everyone to rely on bicycles to get around. But that’s not what he says. Not even close.

Instead, he goes into a rambling tirade about the energy plan depending on bicycles. And how bizarre it is that we should ride bikes, instead of building more nuclear power plants or developing so-called “clean coal” (as if these were either-or propositions to begin with). And he keeps repeating that word–”bicycles! bicycles!”–and the phrase “Ride a bike!”–like a raving loonie. Punctuated by the occasional, “I cannot make this stuff up!” No, sir, you certainly can’t . . .

What’s he got against bicycles, anyway? Maybe, as a child, he was run over by a bicycle. Or maybe he was one of those pathetic geeks, who never had his training wheels removed. Maybe he’s resentful because he never learned to ride at all–because his parents were dirt poor and they couldn’t even afford to buy him a bicycle. (Awwww . . .)

Or not. Who knows what his problem is?

Anyway, be sure to stick around for the retort at the end.

‘PG County Schools Don’t Competely Suck!’

Okay, that’s not a direct quote by any means, but . . . consider this article from the Gazette papers, whose coverage includes Prince George’s County, MD: “Thirty-two in County Didn’t Graduate Due to HSA,” followed by a subhead in smaller print: “Number down significantly from those at risk earlier in school year.”

Now here’s the actual lead paragraph:

“Thirty-two students in Prince George’s County’s schools did not graduate this year solely because they failed to pass state-required High School Assessments — down drastically from 2,750 students at risk of not graduating in December.”

So, you see, it’s not a “bad news” story, it’s a “good news” story. The article goes on to say:

“School officials were pleased with the low number, down from 500 in late May, though they said they did not want any students to be kept from graduation. This is the first year students were required to pass the algebra, biology, government and English exams; earn a composite score of 1,602 on all four tests; or complete projects to show they had learned the material to receive diplomas.”

Now, this part is just sad . . .

“School board chairwoman Verjeana M. Jacobs said the results showed Prince George’s students were capable of meeting graduation requirements.

“‘Some honestly just believed our students couldn’t do it, and I believe they have demonstrated that they can,’ Jacobs said.”

Well, uh, ya-a-a-hhh–they passed the tests or completed the projects, so clearly they not only can meet the requirements, but they actually did meet them. I mean, is it just me, or is this like reading something out of The Onion?

Is it really breaking news that Prince George’s County students aren’t complete scholastic losers? (I mean, talk about your backhanded compliments. If I were going to a Prince George’s County public school, I’d feel pretty insulted.) Apparently, some people honestly believed it wasn’t possible for these kids to graduate. By God, they’ve proven those naysayers wrong.

I’m still not sure whether this is an example of bad journalism (”students graduate from high school” isn’t exactly “man bites dog,” is it? of course, “students graduate from high school despite being such hopeless idiots” would be),  lousy PR (”Look at all the students who didn’t flunk out! Woo-hoo!! Champagne all around!”) or the saddest, most pathetic example of “good news” I’ve seen in ages.

To the paper’s credit, the print edition ran this story inside the B section, but still . . .

What’s next? Will the paper run a profile on the least mediocre student?

“Prince George’s County Schools: We Don’t Completely Suck”–sounds like a motto to me.

Raise the Body Count and Rally ‘Round the Flag!

Oooooh, Gawd. Words fail me.

Well, maybe not. Isn’t hoping for a terrorist attack crossing the line just a wee bit? (via Heavy Metal Librarian)

Can You Get Fit in Six Minutes a Week?

Uh . . . yeah. When I saw that headline, I thought, what is this–the fitness version of the 4-hour workweek? (Another concept I think is 98% BS and the rest just smoke and mirrors.) But if it’s in the New York Times, it must be true, right? (Sure, sure . . . and you’ll notice they did phrase it as a question, rather than state it as fact. Very clever.)

Apparently, there’s research to support the notion that if you do very high intensity exercise for limited periods (as short as six minutes a week), you enhance your fitness as much as those who do less intense exercise over longer periods.

However, there’s a catch. (Of course, there had to be, didn’t there?) The article says that if you’re going to try to limit your exercise time to six minutes a week, those “six minutes, if they’re to be effective, must hurt.”

Well, that’s a helluva catch if you ask me.

The article goes on to quote researcher Martin Gibala, Ph.D. and chairman of the Department of Kinesiology at McMaster University in Ontario, Canada: “We describe it as an ‘all-out’ effort,” in which you’ll be straying “well out of your comfort zone.”

Yeah, sounds like it. Sorry, doc. Don’t feel like beating myself up in the name of fitness (sounds oxymoronic to me). I rejected the notion of “no pain, no gain” years ago.

Think I’ll take me a nice long walk now.

Top 10 Funniest Blogs of All Time!!!

Okay, I lied. I have no idea if these are actually the funniest blogs of all time. I couldn’t, because it would require me to read every blog ever written. And trying to read all that senseless drivel those other blogs would be just plain nuts. These are blogs I just happen to know about that I happen to think are funny.

And let’s face it–I figured with a headline like “Top 10 Funniest Blogs of All Time!!!” you’d probably pick this up in an online search. And you’d be inclined to read it. (Was I right or what?)

Okay, now that’s out of the way, here’s the list. Oh, and BTW–even though I’m listing them in reverse numbered order like Letterman, I don’t really know if these are strictly listed in order of funniness. Maybe roughly in order of funniness, but just . . . roughly, okay? I mean what’s funny, anyway? Doesn’t it kind of depend on your mood that day? Can one blog that’s incredibly funny one day go over like a lead balloon the next? And what about . . . wait a minute. This is turning into a philosophical discussion. Oh, the hell with it. Here’s the list:

#10

Stuff White People Like

Okay, this one’s kind of a gimme. It’s achieved a bit of notoriety in the blog world, as the site that makes fun of white, hipster types with their trendy interests, their rugby shirts, their love of Bob Marley, their Moleskin notebooks, etc., etc. It’s funny and all, but can someone please explain to me why someone would buy a book based on a blog?

#9

Blog to be named later.

#8

Reader’s choice.

#7

Whatever.

(Okay. I lied twice. Really, I only have seven blogs on this list. Plus an honorable mention. But people don’t write Top 7 Lists, do they? So, with that understood, here’s the rest.)

#6

Screw You! (The Irreverent Freelancer)

I simply must include this, even though it will probably tickle the funny bones of more freelancers than other people, because some of the examples Kathy Kehrli provides of actual work being advertised is so sad and pathetic, it’s funny (in a sad and pathetic way). I mean, take a look at her “Ultimate Get-a-Clue Freelance Requests” for each week and tell me anyone could survive on slave wages like these. (And I’m not just including this blog because of my contribution to it. Really! Though I must say I’m proud to be a part of it. To point to yet another example of freelancer abuse. To take a small step toward righting wrongs in the profession. To do the right thing, to . . . Jesus, listen to yourself, Debbi. Shut up, already. Okay. Keep going.)

#5

The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks

Not only do you have to love these examples of “creative” misuse (like mine just then) of quotation marks, but Bethany Keeley’s commentary on them invariably invokes a smirk, a smile, a chuckle or even a guffaw. At least from this reader. It’s well worth a daily look. And who would’ve thought that quotations marks could be so widely misused? That, in itself, is pretty funny. Sad and pathetic funny, again–I seem to go for that don’t I? Well, here’s something completely different.

#4

The Heavy Metal Librarian

Here’s where we get down and dirty. Here’s where the list goes nuts a bit. Because when Aaron’s not ranting hilariously about right-wing assholes (the butt–no pun intended–of much great humor, IMHO), he’s often got a clip or two of a truly bizarre nature. Like this cheese rolling thing–I mean WTF? Who comes up with this shit? Amazing. He’s irreverent, he’s liberal (and damn proud of it), he’s into heavy metal music. What’s not to like? Oh, and he’s also a librarian. Extra points, dude.

#3

The Anti DC

Maybe it’s just because I’ve lived around this shithole the Nation’s Capital for so long, but I totally appreciate this blog. I’d like to think it’s funny for many reasons. You don’t have to live in DC to like it. I think people anywhere will find this blog funny. Try to imagine Marissa Payne, a woman whose life is made up of crazy experiences a la David Sedaris (without the dysfunctional family–at least, I’ve seen no mention of one yet) trapped inside some kind of Kafka-esque loop in which she often escapes from DC, yet repeatedly returns. Why does she keep coming back? Is it for the stories? Is she a masochist? Is it a strange love/hate relationship with the Chocolate City? (Yeah, I know the term “Chocolate City” is antiquated, but then so am I.) I’m voting for the last reason, but I don’t know and it doesn’t really matter–I just know that it’s damn funny stuff. Laugh out loud funny. So funny it hurts. Take it from someone who’s lived in the DC area for years and years and years and years, there is some major funny, harsh truth written here. (But one question: how the hell did she manage to live in DC selling dildos for $2.37 an hour?)

#2

(and in the event that #1 is disqualified or otherwise unable to serve as the #1 funniest blog of all time (or at least the funniest I know about), this blog will be ready to stand in its stead) (here it is)

The Prison Diary of Ram Venkatararam (formerly The Food Here Convenience Store)

What can I say about this blog? I started reading it back when it was The Food Here Convenience Store, and it struck me as nothing less than a brilliant satire on modern day mores, social commentary tinged with a fine sense of irony. I looked forward every day to reading about Ram’s increasingly bizarre customers, employees and associates, not to mention the increasingly bizarre events Ram would stage to draw more business (having his clerk do an Evel Knievel on a tricycle over a shark tank was probably the topper) and what new stunts he’d pull himself (going homeless for a week or so was interesting). When it came to biting humor and merciless depictions of modern (so-called) culture, I’m not sure Voltaire could have blogged it better than the man who saw it all from behind The Food Here counter.

But now Ram’s in prison (long story), where he’s turning his rapier-like wit toward the foibles and failings of the penal system. His stories are still funny, his companions still bizarre (he shares a cell with a guy named Mad Dog with whom he’s reached certain understandings–which is to say, he sleeps on the top bunk despite his aversion to heights and keeps a safe distance from Mad Dog to avoid being beaten senseless). I’ve gone on way too long, it’s just a funny blog. Believe me. Read it. You’ll see.

And, finally, the #1 Funniest Blog of All Time (That I Happen to Know About)

The Problem with Young People Today Is . . .

Now this is just the flat-out funniest blog I’ve ever been privileged to read. It never fails to make me laugh. And when I say laugh, I mean it almost never fails to make me double over laughing. And it just keeps getting funnier as you read it, until (when it’s at its best) you’re laughing so hard you’re gasping for breath, possibly with a tear or two in your eyes. I’m talking spit-take funny here, so don’t drink coffee while you read it. Again, this blog really nails modern society and youth culture on its spoiled little head. This guy’s rants are priceless. I won’t even bother to say more. Just read the thing. I dare you to do it without laughing or at least cracking a smile. (Oh, and Ram, you are actually writing this, aren’t you?)

And the honorable mention? That goes to Fafblog. It’s funny, but mainly it’s just so frackin’ strange.

Dystonia–I Swear I’m Not Making This Up!

You know it’s bad enough having a movement disorder no one’s ever heard of–and not only suffering real problems that others perceive as being the complaints of a whiner and malingerer, as well as having to explain over and over and OVER what dystonia IS to people–but then having to read crap like this article, “It’s All in Your Head,” (the headline says it all) on top of everything else–well, I’ve just about reached my limit. (Psychogenic movement disorder? Please . . . give me a frackin’ break here, okay?)

You know it’s pathetic when someone writes that she’s happy to have MS just because people believe it’s real. Plus this woman talks about good days and bad days. Having a “flare” in symptoms. With dystonia, there’s no “flare”–the symptoms don’t come and go, they come and come.

And my dystonia came after a stroke–causing a physical change in my brain–so don’t tell me it’s psychogenic.

There may be cases of “psychogenic movement disorder” (just like there are other psychosomatic diseases), but I’d hate to see that label attached to most dystonia patients.

So please, please don’t use this as an excuse to dismiss our complaints. And don’t assume that we’re all head cases (bad pun–ouch). This disorder needs to be taken seriously and cured as soon as possible.

Got it? Good. Now, let’s hear no more about this, or I may be forced to go out and kick some serious doctor ass.

Rant over.

RIP Ed McMahon

Yesterday, a legendary second banana died. Ed McMahon was best known as Johnny Carson’s sidekick. The one who would laugh at Johnny’s jokes, even if they fell flat as a pancake under a steam roller (which they never really did, because Ed was always there to laugh at them).

Ginger Rogers once said, “There are no small parts. Only small actors.” Ed McMahon played no small part in Carson’s success.

Besides, without Ed we wouldn’t have the phrase, “Heeeeeeeeere’s Johnny!,”

Or his trademark call, captured in the video below.

(Video courtesy of the Heavy Metal Librarian.)

Thank you and good night, folks.

Some Thoughts About Progress

John Steele Gordon puts our rapidly changing technology into perspective with this interesting blog post that leads off with the news that Kodachrome is fading away.

It is pretty amazing, even thinking about what my grandparents saw in their lifetimes.They were born around the turn of the 20th century. So they got to see automobiles, planes, radio, television and refrigerators created (along with the other things on Gordon’s list).

But invention does have a tendency to cut both ways, doesn’t it? All this instant communication, for instance–it’s nice to have the information superhighway at your fingertips. But sometimes it goes from blessing to curse. You can suffer information overload. And things like social networking, Twitter and blogging (yes, blogging) can become a time suck, if you don’t set limits on it.

On the other hand, we’ve made stellar progress in the sciences and other technologies–astronomy, space travel and medical treatment, to name just a few. Does it make it that much more ironic that we’ve progressed in the ways of war (with the creation of the atom bomb, smart bombs, etc.), as well?

And cloning? Well, don’t even get me started . . .

What I don’t get is, if they can put a man on the moon, why can’t they cure dystonia? Okay, I know that’s just because it affects me. But if you’re suffering from something incurable or just a horrible condition, feel free to substitute your ailment for mine in the first sentence to this paragraph.

And imagine the things we won’t be seeing in our lifetimes. The question is, will we be missing out or lucking out?

Big Cities Taking Steps to Reduce Global Warming

Much has been written about various cities in the U.S. trying to reduce carbon emissions. Many of them have tried to achieve this aim by enacting different ordinances. Providing tax credits for homeowners taking energy saving measures, for instance. Penalizing excessive energy use. Or supporting the use of alternative energy sources. That kind of thing.

Large cities tend to produce a lot of greenhouse gases, but are also great from a sustainable living standpoint. So it’s good to see a place like New York City embracing wind power as an alternative energy source by placing wind turbines atop its tall buildings. (The article notes: “The Department of Energy had a very small high-altitude wind program, which produced some of the first good data about the qualities of the wind up there, but it got axed as energy prices dropped in the 1980s and Reagan-era DOE officials directed funds elsewhere.” Oh, yeah–I remember that. I think they’re called the bad old days?)

In Europe, certain large cities are getting in on this, too. Since large cities tend support sustainable living models better than suburban and rural areas, they are taking it to the next level and trying to reduce their carbon outputs.

According to this article, “Low carbon options for cities include planning efficient city structures, controlling urban sprawl, developing efficient public transport, and increasing the production and use of renewable energy. It is also essential that local and regional governments adopt more ambitious local and regional targets to bring down CO₂ levels.”

My this sounds familiar. I feel like I’ve heard it before.

Europe has taken a fairly active stance on some environmental issues. For instance, the European Union requires all chemical companies to register their products and fully disclose all ingredients with requisite proper safety testing. Something we haven’t been able to achieve here in the States as you can see from this article published last month about the Toxic Substances Control Act.

So, who knows? Maybe Europe can lead the way in municipal carbon emissions reduction, too?